Friday, July 25, 2008

tim gunn, kenley collins, lauren conrad. one of these things is not like the other?

Okay, so how much do I love Tim Gunn?

Rhetorical question, sweet cheeks (that's my pet name for you. Oh yeah. my first post and I already am employing pet names for my readers. I'm like the girlfriend who loves you after the second date). The answer, of course, is "more than I can ever love any significant other I may have". And that's absolutely true. If I date you, be prepared to share your love with a dapper, urbane gay man who is smarter than not only me, but probably everybody on any other fashion program (besides, of course, Tim Gunn's Guide To Style).
He is so cute, with his suit-wearing and his upscale accent that I can't place. I want to be his best friend forever so we can make snide and witty remarks about...I don't know, things. But that will never happen, because sadly, Tim Gunn is probably above hanging out with 16-year-olds, especially ones who act like Spongebob did if he was incredibly gay and fashioncentric. So, let's just talk about Project Runway.

Okay, I hate Blayne. Sorry, but I do. Can you honestly blame me, though? I mean come on! Look at him! First of all, his main priority in life seems to be his tan, which looks to me like he was doused accidentally in soy sauce one day. Second of all, he wears a ratty pink knit hat that looks exactly like the thing AJ wore that one season of ANTM that Janice Dickenson stole from her on the runway during that challenge where they had to interview her. Yeah. It didn't work on her either. Third, he uses the word "Girlicious" so much that I'm beginning to wonder if maybe Robin Antin sent him, and not only that, but he wrote it on his model's thigh during the grocery store challenge, which enraged me in a strange way that nothing ever had before. Let's face it, Blayne is (a gay version of) the frat boy douchebag, and that deserves hatred, as all douchebags do.
But... I love Kenley!!! Homegirl could not be more cute. She's like a younger, sweeter, non-tattooed Kat Von D (who I also love). She looks like an old-school pinup girl, and her designs are fierce! She incorporated my favorite sport, dodgeball, into my favorite thing ever, fashion. Previously I thought those two world would never cross. And they probably never will again. A pioneer, that's Kendall. She does have a slightly edgier and blonde doppelganger, though, the closely-named Kelly, who also wears red lipstick and has a similar hairstyle, and I think has a tattoo. I don't really remember. I love them both.
I don't like Miss Aging Punk Whose Name Escapes Me, and I don't like Miss Horseyfaced Ethereal Hippie Designer Emily. I don't like Suede because he didn't seem to get the memo that he is thirty fucking seven and also, he talks in the third person. Kat does not look kindly upon that. All the other designers I am on fairly good terms with but I have nothing to say about, except for Korto, who is slowly but surely making her way onto my Love List.
Oh, wait! Wesley! Wesley..I'd like to own him. He's so cute!! Cute in that quiet, slightly pretentious hipster way, where he barely says a word and looks cute and quirky in his old school attire, but then blows me away with his amazing's like he doesn't come out of the woodwork until his true moment to shine. Which he did NOT, in the last episode, when he gave the world a shiny, short, shapeless bulky abortion of a dress that Heidi Montag would probably really love. But you know what, I still love Wesley. Every cowboy sings a sad, sad song, and every hipster occasionally has an off day.

Heidi is rapidly looking more and more like a fashion magazine editor, even though she will never edge out her adorable German quirky cuteness. But seriously, where are her pants? I admit she does have some great legs, but I don't necessarily want to see them all the time. Fine, I do. But ... it's got to at least be cold in there. And doesn't she hate that feeling where you're wearing a short skirt and you've been crossing your bare legs for a long time, and now there's a red spot on your thigh that makes it look like a vengeful bully hurled a dodgeball at you, and your teeny shaved-this-morning stubble keeps poking you in the upper thigh where your legs are crossed? Huh? Doesn't she hate that? Because I sure do.
Oh, wait. Heidi probably gets her legs waxed by angels with pink frosting or something, and she probably has legs that love her so much that they would never dare leaving a red mark on one of their long and spindly comrades. Silly me.

Now, I used to like Lauren Conrad, because like her, I am a tall, young wannabe fashion designer (except that every cell in my body yearns for New York and not L.A.), but the more I see her wearing shapeless empire-waisted short dress shirt thingies, the more I sigh. She's definitely in a rut. And her clothing line is nothing short of proof of said rut. Google it, and you'll find 258,453 similarly identical pieces each selling for approximately 140 bucks more than they're worth.

EDITED LATER BECAUSE OF MY DUBASSERY: I could have just changed it, but I wanted to be honest. Anyway, I didn't mean to call Emily the hippie, when in actuality Leanne is the hippie. This is Leanne:
And this is Emily:
I actually love Emily. So let no confusion arise: according to Kat, Emily good, Leanne bad.


Little Miss Obsessive said...

Totally feel the same way about Tim Gunn, I love him to death. After watching that SNL skit on Christian, I've been trying to perfect my impression of Tim.

Kenley is so adorable! But I think Emily is gorgeous, I love her.

Blayne and Suede need to go away. Now. But poor Wesley! He was too adorable!

John said...

posting comment due to prior instruction!

also i have no idea what any of the shows you discussed are.

also lemons.

John said...

apparently you're the ultimate fashion judge.

with occasional help from me of course.